Does the fact you have no regrets mean you’re doing it right? Or does it mean that you’re not actually doing it at all? I just sometimes feel like I’m waiting for life to start. This kind-of means that I’m just wasting the time I have right now, which is, well wasteful (not to mention ungrateful), but I’m not sure how or where to start. I want to do something, something meaningful with my now. I guess that means I have to find some things to do. Some things that enrich my life. Ideas?
I guess if I think back to the times in my life when I felt the most alive it was when I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to. Having sworn to try not to do that anymore, the times I‘ve next felt the most alive is getting to know someone new. I don’t know that getting to know tons of new people who make my tummy feel funny is any better than doing stuff I shouldn’t. I recognise my own self-destructive behaviour fairly easily; doing something about it is another matter.
Being board is driving me insane. Absolutely insane. Plus when I’m board I do silly stuff purely because I’m board. Like eating stuff I’m not even hungry for (good way to gain weight, and get unhealthy) or drinking for the sake of it. It’s ironic I got rid of the indifference I was feeling, only to replace it with this feeling of being stuck, and board. There’s a saying that goes “when a man is tired of London he is tired of life”, I don’t live in London, and I’m not tired of life but I really wish something would happen. Something that is both a nice thing and an exciting thing.
My nana got diagnosed with breast cancer this weekend. Another reminder that life is short and unexpected so I should go LIVE it. I think there’s a song by Tim McGraw that says “I hope you get the chance to live like you are dying”. That’s how I wana live, like there will be no tomorrow, but I just don’t know how.